Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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