i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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