I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
