You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
