when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
