fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
