she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
