Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
