So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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