I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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