watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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