At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
