my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
