im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
