i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
