i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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