just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
