I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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