WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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