I faked an abortion last night.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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