your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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