I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
