mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
