I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
