She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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