Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He? As in you personified your dick?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
