I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize