Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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