If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
