dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
