Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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