There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
