go do what you do best...puke behind churches
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
two words...techno handjob
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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