I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
oh god was she eating orange peels again
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
