I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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