I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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