i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
