3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
