i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
