I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
