i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
