If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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