I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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