At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
