I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
