Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
