there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize