I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
