Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
