im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
