the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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