And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
