Are we in a gay sports bar?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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