you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
