I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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