i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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