He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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