Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Drake has all the answers
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
