I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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