My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
